Wednesday, June 17, 2026

Letters to God

Well, I'm not...you know the routine.
 
I say "I'm not a poet", and then sometimes people say "but you keep writing poems - you seem like a poet to me." And then I come in and say something like "I don't know much about how to do meter or rhyme - I just try to bare my soul and write what's on my heart."
 
Poetry has been a way for me to turn off the filters and be raw and honest. And before you read my latest poem, I wanted you to know that this is what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to show the most honest thoughts I've had about God and prayer and faith (whether recent thoughts or thoughts I've had in my past) - without filter, and without worrying what people will think or how they'll judge me for having had those thoughts. And I think about how, according to Matthew, Jesus said you must become like a little child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. So maybe that's what I'm doing here. I dunno, it's my best guess at what he might have meant by that - and isn't that all any of us can do?
 

Letters to God


Dear God:
Are you really listening?
And does it matter what I say?
A certain writer wrote
That a certain son of yours said
That you know what I need before I ask.
And if that's so, what's the point in asking?
Is it just to stroke your ego?

Dear God:
They tell me you really care about who has sex with whom.
Why is that so important to you?
And if men on men or women on women make you so mad,
why do you let them come out that way?
Why not just make them all with hetero desire?
But really, who is it hurting?
Are you really like us - grossed out by anything different or unique?

Dear God:
They tell me Jesus is you.
They also said you couldn't forgive our sins without blood.
They said this was because you were so Holy.
Why does "Holy" sound like "bloodthirsty"?
And if Jesus is you, how does sacrificing yourself to yourself help anything?
And if Jesus said to forgive without demanding payment,
Why can't you?

Dear God:
Do you actually have a penis?
And if not, why does occasionally saying "She" make you so mad?
Or is all of that nonsense written by men with small imaginations?
Are you more like the Force?
Or consciousness itself, saturating and permeating everything in the Universe?
Or are you the Universe itself?
Or something else entirely?

Dear God:
Why won't you talk to me?
Or give me a clear sign?
They say you talked to a lot of people in the Bible,
And you even did some cool magic tricks.
I'd like to see that.
Call me doubting Thomas if you want,
But even he got to touch the holes.

Dear God:
If you really made everything,
And if you really know everything,
And if you really are Love,
Why does it hurt so much?
I don't have that power and I don't know everything,
And my love isn't perfect like they say yours is.
But when I see someone I care about hurting, it makes me mad.
It makes me want to do something about it.
Where are you when it hurts?
Why aren't you flipping tables right now?

Dear God:
How am I doing? 
Did I get any of it right?
I know when I've messed up.
I hope you have more patience with me than some of your followers.
Do you really love me?
And if so, why?
And if so, how do I know?
And if so, won't you please visit?

Dear God:
Say hi to my Dad.
Tell him I miss him.
So much.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I believe in you.
But I believe in him.
I know he was good.
And I know he loved me.
And whether you're what he thought you were or not,
He loved you.
Maybe that's why I keep trying to.

Dear Dad:
I love you.

Friday, May 8, 2026

Deconstruction

Well, I'm not a poet. But I felt like writing this: 

Deconstruction

I was born totally depraved
Or so they say
My own mind could not be trusted
I must bend and accept the word of authority

My soul was sick
Or so they said
And while I had no symptoms then
They poured their fear into me and ill I became

But you showed me what love was
Taught me it was supreme
You showed me what it meant to accept someone
Even when "heretical" they might be

My sins, so great, demanded blood
Hell's flames licked at my heels with every step
For I knew, I feared God but did not love
How could I love one who would torment endlessly?
 
I simulated worship and adoration
Scanning to see if my performance satisfied
My friendships were skin-deep
I couldn't share my deepest self
 
When I fled, I knew I was lost
Knowing not who I was nor how to find "me"
You loved me just as I was - I was "son"
A constant reassuring truth
 
Who am I? Am I what they said about me?
Am I only the things I say and do?
Am I only the things I know and believe?
I was lost, restless, grieving my absent sense of self
 
And then I saw her - her face shone like the sun
I loved her and she loved me
And I hurt her and she hurt me
But you had taught me - love never fails - and we prevailed
 
And then came the day my son was born
I held his tiny body in my arms 
And when I looked at his face I knew you better - I was "father"
I knew what it meant to love someone who couldn't give anything in return
 
"God is love" and "perfect love casts out fear"
These became my creed
Love was all I wanted to be
Love, the name of my innermost being
 
Love was the only true thing in my past
Love, the only truth in my future
Love behind me, love before me
And all I can say to you is: thank you Dad

 

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

Heretic

When my father passed a month ago, writing poetry became an avenue through which I processed my thoughts and feelings. I don't claim to be a good poet - I just try to write what's on my heart. And I've been thinking a lot about how Dad actually triggered my own deconstruction when he taught me that love was what was most important to God, because God is love (I John 4:8 and 16). So I've been ruminating on this one for a while.

Heretic 


Grandma was the kindest woman you could ever know
Welcoming and compassionate to everyone she met
She went to a church with a woman preacher
Did you know I once thought she might be a heretic?

Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself
"Who is my neighbor?" "Let me tell you about a Samaritan"
A Samaritan was like someone from a whole other religion
Did you know he was sent to be crucified for being a heretic?

What if we missed the whole point?
The Church says you can't be "Christian" without Trinity
Some churches say you must have the right ideas about Bible and atonement
Jesus said "they will know you are my disciples if you love"

The Devil is always in someone else
Never in your own heart
And don't you ever think about how his name is "Accuser"
Or how the Holy Spirit's is "Advocate"

George MacDonald taught that God's love was limitless
He wrote "Phantastes" and C.S. Lewis converted because of it
MacDonald called eternal torment a "loathsome lie"
Did you know he lost his pulpit because he was a heretic?

Jesus said "I and the Father are one"
They picked up stones to kill him
He said "let them be one, Father, as you and I are one"
Did you know he was sent to be crucified for being a heretic?

Heretic is a word we use to shut down dialogue
When authority fails and reason is an obstacle
We condemn people for having the wrong ideas about Jesus
But Jesus made it a question - "who do you say that I am?"

The Devil is always in someone else
Never in your own heart
And don't you ever think about how his name is "Accuser"
Or how the Holy Spirit's is "Advocate"

The Devil is "Accuser"
Jesus is a heretic
Holy Spirit, "Advocate"
Jesus died a heretic

Monday, April 20, 2026

Echoes

 Well, I'm not a poet. But I felt like writing this:

Echoes

In the early morning light
I look for you
When I'm alone, I strain my ear
listening for your echoes
 
But ghosts are elusive
Like a mist
They blow away with the wind
Only seen in the peripherals
 
"You look like him", he said to me
On the day of your mourning
While I search the earth for your echo
He saw you when he looked at me
 
You came to me one night
One night only
You visited me in the haze of a dream
Just one last embrace was all I got
 
Maybe your echoes can't be found by looking
Like a shadow that disappears in the light
These reminders only come as a surprise
In an embrace or a song I hear in the distance
 
"Your voice sounds like his", she said to me
She heard your echo
While I searched for you in the fog
I reminded her of you when I spoke
 
I am your strongest echo
When I speak of love
Your warmth, your presence, felt
When I hug tightly
 
I can't find you by searching through the mist
Only by sharing my own presence
Your visage isn't perceived in a direct glance
Your echoes are only heard when I give what you gave me

 https://render.fineartamerica.com/images/rendered/default/print/8/6/break/images-medium-5/3-water-ripples-pasieka.jpg

Thursday, April 16, 2026

A Good Life?

 Well, I'm not a poet, but I felt like writing this:

A Good Life?

Saturday morning, sitting in that pew
I watch - one by one they stand there
A daughter, a son, a choir member, a camp counselor
"He laughed, he made beautiful music, and he loved"

You were never famous, and you weren't rich
You didn't star in movies, or give your music to sold out crowds
You didn't live in a mansion, no one wore merchandise with your name on it
But you laughed, you made beautiful music, and you loved

When they mourn him, will a daughter dab her eyes with a tissue and say
"he took money from cancer research and gave big tax breaks to the rich"?
Will a son stand up and fight back his tears and say
"he refused to pay TSA so he could make it harder for women to vote"?

Will old high school buddies come up to that podium and choke out the words
"he deregulated companies so they could pollute the waters we drink"?
Will friends from decades ago stand there and weep as they say
"he condemned the pope while he bombed Iranian schoolgirls"?

I wonder what they'll say about me when I cross that rainbow bridge
I wonder who will come to that podium to speak about the life I led
I doubt I'll be famous, I doubt I'll be rich, but I would be proud if even one said
"He laughed, he brought beauty to the world, and he loved." 

Thursday, April 9, 2026

Overcome

Well, I'm not a poet. But I felt like writing this.

Overcome 

I look at the world and I'm overcome by the cruelty
The people justifying hate for their brothers and sisters
I look at the world and I'm overcome by the greed
The people hoarding wealth they could never spend
While their bothers and sisters starve

And then it's time to take the dogs outside
Domino is overcome with anticipation
He leaps at the door, straining to get to the ball I keep on the shelf
I throw it across the yard and he sprints, lightning speed, to catch it
His tail wags with joy as he brings it to me, but he won't let me take it
I tug as he clutches it in his mouth, his tail is wagging with sheer joy the whole time

I look at the world and I'm overcome with fear
The orange man threatens genocide, and people use the word "nuclear"
I look at the world and I'm overcome with sadness
My father rests in dust and ashes, his light is snuffed
And the world is a little bit darker with him gone

And then it's time to take the dogs outside
Domino is overcome by the suspense
He yelps with urgency, begging me to open the door faster
I throw the ball again and watch him leap to catch it
And I laugh as I watch his butt wiggling, his tail wagging with intensity
In the presence of his joy, anxiety and pain fade away, replaced with laughter

 

Wednesday, March 25, 2026

What the Bible Talks About When It Talks About God (part 10)

Note: This post is meant to be read after reading part 1 of this series, where I lay some groundwork and introduce some important concepts. I would also advise reading the other preceding parts, but this is not completely necessary.

The Trinity

As we've been exploring the way the concept of God develops and changes throughout the Biblical texts, I wonder if there have been audience members sitting in their office chairs with sullen looks, wondering when, oh when will I talk about the Trinity?

And I wondered if I even should talk about it. Because I'm no longer convinced that it even appears anywhere in the Bible - at least not in the way tradition insists it does.

This is a subject that the popular Bible scholar Dan McClellan has repeatedly returned to in his videos - such as this one, or this one. In one of my favorite videos of his where he talks about this, he points out that there is a "fundamental incoherence" of the Trinity, and he explains what this incoherence is with the illustration of a math problem. And in this math problem, it is like saying:

a is the Father
b is the Son
c is the Holy Spirit
g is God
a + b + c = g
a = g
b = g
c = g
≠ b
≠ c
≠ c 

And this does not make mathematical sense, nor does it make sense in light of the way persons or substance have ever been understood. 

https://s3.amazonaws.com/cms.ipressroom.com/173/files/20179/59e81c942cfac2292708892b_Simpsons+math+photo+3/Simpsons+math+photo+3_6f8b3fe5-7397-4424-a441-9013b7d556d8-prv.jpg 

And I can recall wrestling with this concept as a child, and questioning elders about it, and these sorts of conversations would always seem to end with something along the lines of "well, this is just one of those mysteries that you have to accept through faith."

Or, hear me out here, what if it's one of those things that authoritarian men came up with after the Bible was written and then enforced when the Church got in bed with empire in the days of Constantine and started using governmental authority to punish heresy?

But some of you will insist: the Trinity is in the Bible. Except many of the "proofs" for this concept are based on fundamental misunderstandings of what the original author was trying to say in the language in which these passages were originally written.

One of the passages people often point to as "proof" of the Trinity is John 1:1-5, which I discussed in part 8 of this series as part of my discussion on "Logos" and the connections to the Jewish literature on Lady Wisdom. And hopefully, through that discussion, some of my readers have already caught on to the fact that modern Christians who are unfamiliar with the connections between this passage and some of the things Philo said about Logos will already be seeing how taking this passage as equating Jesus with God misunderstands the passage. Because for John, Logos is the Wisdom of God, the argument of God, the reason behind the order of the universe, and it was the first creation, which means that equating it with God is a misunderstanding of what John is saying. 

But oh, you say, verse 1 of the passage says that "the Logos was with God and the Logos was God." Except that people who make this argument don't understand the original Greek and what is going on here. Because you have to understand that in Greek, there are definite articles but there are not indefinite articles. Meaning: in English, we have definite articles like "the", and we have indefinite articles like "a book" or "a tree". Greek does not have indefinite articles. So when we read John 1 in the original Greek, it says that "the Logos was with the God [ton theon] and the Logos was divine [theos]." Now, note here - theon and theos are the same word, but different cases - theon is the form used when the word is the direct object in a sentence, and theos is the form used when the word is the subject of the sentence. And Bible scholars have noted that when they look at the ways this word is used in this time period by many different authors, it can mean "God" or it can simply mean "divine" - as in, "a god", or someone or something that is godly/god-like. So it is important that in this verse, the author switches from using the definite article ton when referring to God in the first part of the verse, and leaving out the definite article in the second part of the verse.

So then some people will retort: well Jesus definitely claims to be God in John 8:58 when he says "before Abraham was, I am." And here they are interpreting this as Jesus using the divine name that was revealed to Moses in Exodus 3:14. But there's a big problem with this - when Jesus says "I am" here, it's just a commonly used Greek phrase for saying things like "that's me", or "that was me" - ego eimi. And furthermore, when you examine the first known Greek translation of the Hebrew Bible - the Septuagint - and look at Exodus 3:14, you see God telling Moses that his name is "I am who I am", and the Greek here is ego eimi ho on. And then later in the verse, when God says "tell them I am sent you", the words used here are not ego eimi but are ho on. So here, God seems to be telling Moses that the divine name Moses should use is not ego eimi, but is ho on. And Jesus does not use the words ho on, he just uses a very common Greek phrase that identifies oneself as the one who did a thing or was in a place. And to illustrate how important this is, when Jesus heals a blind man in the next chapter of John, and the people in his town are asking "isn't this that blind man who sits and begs?" The blind man replies in verse 9 "ego eimi", translated as "I am he", and no one ever seems to argue that this means that the blind man is God.

So then, some may come back to John 8:58 and say that because Jesus seems to be claiming eternality or preexistence, it implies he is God. But that is not necessarily the case. Again, returning to part 8 of this series, recall that Philo claims that the High Priest is the preexisting Logos, "by means of whom the universe arrived at creation." And this does not mean that Philo believes every High Priest who has ever lived was a person of the Trinity, with the same being/substance (homoousion) as God. But also, this verse doesn't necessarily imply preexistence, either - because if we go back to the context, we see that in verse 56, Jesus is arguing that the prophecy that the messiah would come from Abraham's line was about him (Jesus) - so this statement may simply be a statement that Jesus as messiah was preordained since the beginning of time, and is not a statement of eternal existence on Jesus' part.

So then some will continue the argument by turning to the story in John 10:22-40, where Jesus says that "the Father and I are one" in verse 30, and then verse 31 it says that the Jews responded by picking up stones to stone him. Surely [they argue] this proves that he was claiming to be God, since the Jews responded this way? 

But what about the way Jesus responds to this? Because after the Jews pick up the stones to kill him, and then explain that they feel that Jesus is committing blasphemy and making himself God, it says in verses 34-36:

Jesus answered, “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, you are gods’? If those to whom the word of God came were called ‘gods’—and the scripture cannot be annulled—can you say that the one whom the Father has sanctified and sent into the world is blaspheming because I said, ‘I am God’s Son’?

Note two things about this response - first, Jesus quotes Psalm 82 here, which we covered as a proof for polytheistic thought within Judaism in part 2 of this series. And secondly, note how Jesus clarifies here that he has never "made himself God" as the Jews are accusing him of in this passage, but rather - Jesus argues - he has only claimed to be God's Son. Note that this demonstrates that for the writer of John, while being "God's Son" implies a special relationship with God that includes "one-ness" with God, it is not the same thing as being equal to God.

Furthermore, if "the Father and I are one" is indeed a claim of being one of the members of the Trinity, then what does it mean when Jesus prays in John 17:21-22 "that they may all be one... [a]s you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us", and then repeats the request that "they may be one, as we are one"? Does this mean that Jesus is praying that the disciples would become members of the Trinity [thus making the Trinity the Quadrinity and then the Quintinity and so on and so forth]?

Or is it possible that the writer of John simply has a different conception of divinity - perhaps one closer to the panentheistic formulation that we discussed in the last section of this series?

Perhaps, when considering formulaic language such as the Trinity, one should hold these words and concepts loosely - recognizing that if one is trying to talk about the infinite, sacred, and holy ground of all Being that has existed before time itself, then one must recognize that all language one uses to attempt to explain such a thing fails? Because if the divine is limitless, then surely any limited language one tries to use will fail to capture such a thing?

I remember years ago, I had a co-worker that I thought I would witness to - I thought I would try to bring him to salvation. This happened just as I was only beginning to ask some questions about my own faith that were starting to reshape it. And I remember that I had a conversation with him about faith, and in response, he lent me a copy of Living Buddha, Living Christ, by the Tibetan monk Thich Nhat Hanh. And there is a chapter in the book where he writes about the Holy Spirit - and this had been a concept I had never really grasped as a child. But for the first time in my life, I felt like I understood the Holy Spirit - all because of a Buddhist monk. And in this chapter of the book, Thich Nhat Hanh talks about breathing exercises and meditative phrases used to help the practitioner develop a sense of living in the present moment, and compassion for others and for all of nature around us. And I think back on the concept we talked about in the last part of this series where I mentioned that the Hebrew word for "spirit" is ruach and the Greek is pneuma (from which we get English words like pneumatic), both words which mean "breath" or "wind". 

https://twirlingjen.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/breath-of-life.jpg
https://lisagawlas.wordpress.com/2014/08/05/your-breath-of-life/

In this chapter, Thich Nhat Hanh writes:

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When our mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. If you love someone but rarely make yourself available to him or her, that is not true love. When your beloved is suffering, you need to recognize her suffering, anxiety, and worries, and just by doing that, you already offer some relief. Mindfulness relieves suffering because it is filled with understanding and compassion. When you are really there, showing your loving-kindness and understanding, the energy of the Holy Spirit is in you.

And later on in the same chapter, he writes:

Discussing God is not the best use of our energy. If we touch the Holy Spirit, we touch God not as a concept but as a living reality. 

And then, near the end of the chapter, he writes:

Our true home is in the present moment. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth in the present moment. Peace is all around us—in the world and in nature—and within us—in our bodies and our spirits. Once we learn to touch this peace, we will be healed and transformed. It is not a matter of faith; it is a matter of practice. We need only to bring our body and mind into the present moment, and we will touch what is refreshing, healing, and wondrous.

What if, instead of turning Trinity into a credal statement that Christians must bow before and recite whether it makes sense to them or not, the real point of it all was for Jesus to show his disciples a Way - the Way of compassion, through which the presence of the Divine becomes a living reality in the present moment?